Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
