she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
