So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
