hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
