Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
