well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
