Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
