Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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