so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
