new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize