Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
