I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
