i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All the doctor said was why
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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