Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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