Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
