I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
