My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You can't just leave with hair like that
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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