Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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