So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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