Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
