I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
its liver damage thursday
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
