you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
