Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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