before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
