even my farts smell like vagina
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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