rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
