I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
