I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
