How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
