Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
