i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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