I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
