True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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