mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
