She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
