In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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