ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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