Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
