Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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