i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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