she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Michael Bay diarrhea
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
