I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize