I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
