i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
