your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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