I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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