My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize