quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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