That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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