I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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