whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
