Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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