You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
