remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
