I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
