I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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