i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
