College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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