around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
