just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
