sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
